Back in the Saddle, or, How a Day of Running "Errns" Became an Elusive Quest for Two-for-One Friskies

So, after a long hiatus from intermittent blogging (see previous post *sad face*), I've decided to get "back in the saddle" (see current blog title) despite my good friend Beto's adamant assertion that "nobody reads blogs" which, if true, means that you (1) are not reading this or (2) are nobody. Whichever case, here we go...

When I bring up the fact that I'm going to "start blogging," just about everyone's response has been the same: "Cool. What are you gonna blog about?" To which I answer "I 'unno" *shrug* "Stuff." So having had a pretty productive day and some interesting interactions with people and places, I shall share some of that "stuff" with you.

After a long while of being in a funk, I finally felt like getting out of the house and being a productive member of society.   With a long a to-do list (some items being months overdue) and a couple of strong cups o' coffee in my system, I ventured out to accomplish most if not all of the items on said list:

1. FINALLY leave off my huge stack of fashion/gossip magazines to Planned Parenthood.
2. Pay my past due bill amount at CPS...because my online account won't let me select an option to just pay the past due amount.  Ugh.
3. Go to Family Dollar for cat food (on sale and because I'm running out of tuna cans to feed Kitty Witty in the meantime) and $1 Degree deodorant. I've included the ad (below) because it will play a key role in the goings-on of my day.

5. Gas up 'cause I'm on empty.
6. Go to Dollar Tree for a few Halloween decorations and doggie chew items for the crew.
7. Go to HEB to buy all other grocery items.
8. Go to gym (Note that the order of items on the list was not unintentional.)

So off I go...

First stop: Planned Parenthood in Las Palmas Shopping Center...oh Las Palmas. I have a few subscriptions to magazines that have been gifted to me which, after a while, become a huge pile of semi-useless magazines. That - in addition to the fact that my old friend, Susan (the friendship is old, not Susan), dropped off her own stack at my house a while back - made for two huge bagfuls (bagsfull?) of magazines.  Having about 40 magazines stacked up in my living room, I decided to split them up into two stops. I contemplated going to the Planned Parenthood on Babcock just to fuck with those self righteous anti-choice protesters, but decided to keep within the confines of convenience being that I had so much on my list. It would be Las Palmas (because it's near my house) and then the Pecan Valley location because that's my old 'hood and I like the HEB on Goliad and S.E. Military. But in the spirit of protest, I still decided to wear my awesome t-shirt designed by my good friend (and superstar in the making), Marisa Carr.

Marisa's awesome.

So, I walk into the Planned Parenthood and see a señora and a young woman in the waiting area...just staring at the wall.  No TV.  No magazines. Just them and the wall. I walk up to the desk and am asked to sign in. "No, I'm just here to leave off some magazines." They don't care. They're all, "Okay, just leave them on the table."   No, "Cool" or "Thanks."  Whatever.  So I begin to take them out of my Our Lady of the Lake University bookstore bag (ha!) as the señora, arms crossed an expressionless, watches me stack the magazines on the table.  She says nothing and although her face said "I don't care," I know she was thinking, "Thank you, awesome lady."  To which I silently responded, "You're welcome," in an awkward half smile.

And I'm off...

Around the corner to CPS to pay my past due bill because my online account is dumb.  I'm like, "I can't pay that outrageous amount right now!"  Anyhow, I hadn't been to an actual CPS payment location in, like, forever and was instantly confused by the setup as there was a big open hallway with all sorts of desks and tellers.  I felt like a zombie/idiot wandering aimlessly around for like a minute.  At first I almost walked up to the SAWS counter and then I finally saw the CPS "please take a ticket" machine.  It was so weird.  There were three buttons: 1) Generate bill, 2) Representative, 3) En Español.  So I hit #2 and got a ticket but I was like the only person there. (?)  Then I sit down in the open "waiting area" where Fox News is showing on the huge flat screen hanging from the ceiling.  Grrr...  I was like, "Really?  I have to sit and watch Fox News while waiting behind nobody?"  Then an automated robot voice calls out my number: "Now-serving-number-B645-at-teller-number-6."  So I get up and I still don't know where the damn tellers are!  Then I see people coming out of an office space with cubicles and I figure that's where the tellers are.  I go in and see the teller numbers hanging from the ceiling and I (still zombie-like and with my ticket in my hand) slowly walk up to teller (but really an office cubicle) number 6 in the back.  I tell the representative that I want to pay my past due amount and that I don't have my bill.  He asks for verification of my address, which I show him and then he leaves and goes to a big printer and comes back with a copy of my bill and tells me, "Here you go."  I hand him my credit card and he says, "Just take this copy to HEB and you can pay it there."  Huh?  HEB???  I was like, "I have to take this to HEB to make a payment?"

"Yes.  We don't take credit cards here."  I wanted to punch him.

 "So you can't make a payment here?  What can you do here, then?"

"Oh, you can make a payment by cash or check here."

"Oh, ok.  Well, I'll write a check then."

So I pull out my checkbook, write out the check and hand it to him.  He takes my check, puts it with the copy of my bill and says, "Now take this to the cashier and make the payment there."  What the hell?  I couldn't help but laugh.  I felt like I was in an SNL skit.  "Where's the cashier?"  Outside to the right."  Ugh.  So I go "outside to the right" and stand in another bank-like line where yet another flat screen TV is showing Fox News.  GRRR...  Luckily it was a short wait and the actual payment process went rather quickly.  I then asked the señora cashier on the other side of the plexiglass, "So who decides what channel to put the TVs on?"  To which she responded, "Oh, the company sets the channel.  We have a remote, but it only lets us turn the TV on and off."  Whuuuuut?  Fucking CPS.  Their recent contributions to the Republican party tell me their channel choice is not unintentional.  I shall therefore write CPS an angry letter demanding that they turn off "Faux News" in their waiting areas.  And I urge you, dear reader and good moral citizen, to do the same.  I'd recommend contacting:

Ms. Maria Koudouris
Vice President of Customer Service and Solutions

by phone: 210-353-2368
 
e-mail: mdkoudouris@cpsenergy.com

or to her attention by standard mail:


CPS Energy
P.O. Box 1771
San Antonio, TX 78296


Oh and P.S.  You can "follow" CPS CEO, Doyle Beneby on Facebook.  :)

And I'm off...

Next stop: Family Dollar (Remember the two-for-one cat food and $1 Degree deodorant?)

Still angry from the bureaucratic ridiculousness and political grossness of my CPS experience, I approach the Family Dollar door where a young mujer holds the door open for me as she enters in front of me.  "Thank you," I tell her.  "You're welcome."  I smile.  Then the cashier welcomes me, "Hello, ma'am."  "Hello!"  I respond.  Ah, my faith in humanity is being restored.  Now, all I need is my cat food...  I go to the pet section and look for my deal.  Hmm.  No Friskies.  "Excuse me, ma'am?" I ask the cashier, "Where is the cat food you have listed in your ad?"  She's not sure if they have any in stock so she rings her bell for the manager.  We wait.  She rings it again.  We wait.  The people in line look at me.  Just when I'm beginning to think it's not worth it, the manager appears and I ask him he same question.  We both go to the pet food aisle where he, too, looks for the cat food in question.  "I don't think we have any."  *blink*  "But you have it listed in the ad," I tell him.  "Let me call another store for you."  At this point, I'm like, "Okay is it really worth it if I'm going to the grocery store?"  And I'm like, "Yeah, I can stop by the Family Dollar on St. Mary's on the way home.  It won't be too out of the way."  So he calls the one on St. Mary's and finds out that they have the cat food.  Okay cool.  It would be a little inconvenient, but come on, two-for-one bags o' cat food!

Leaving Family Dollar a little bummed, my spirit is rejuvenated by the most hilarious scene ever: an older model hatchback Honda Civic slowly rolls by with a tiny tan chihuahua wearing a short-sleeved unzipped black jacket standing at the open driver's side window.  I wish I could have recorded the expression on my face the moment I saw that gift from god.  In that moment, I was affirmed in the fact that, indeed, the world is a pretty great place.

And I'm off...

Gassed up at the HEB in Las Palmas ($47 to fill up my tank!!!) then rolled on down to the Southeast side for operation Planned Parenthood Drop Off Part Deux.  Okay, this is where it gets a little weird...like in a spiritual, déja vu kind of way.  So I'm going to Planned Parenthood, which I could have sworn was on Pecan Valley off of Goliad.  Actually, there was one there because I remember going there.  I exit on Pecan Valley and realize there's no Planned Parenthood there.  So I keep going down Pecan Valley and I'm using my phone to find where the Planned Parenthood is.  It's now on E. Southcross (near McCreless Shopping Center).  So I turn from Pecan Valley onto E. Southcross and have this really strong déja vu of this specific intersection.  I hadn't driven down this intersection for many years even though I drove it everyday to get to high school (Highlands...go Owls!).  So as I'm driving down Southcross, I realize that I had a dream about this specific intersection the night before last...AND that I have a recurring dream about that intersection...that I never realized I had until that moment!  I was somehow meant to go the wrong way in order to drive down that intersection.  Crazy.  So there I was...driving down Southcross all, "Woah."  My mind had officially been "blowed."

So I get to Planned Parenthood where they at least have a TV (they were watching Ellen) and the desk clerk was super happy to receive my magazines.  "Oh, wow.  Thank you!"  I was like, "I know I like to read while I wait, so I figured I'd leave these off." *shrug*

And away we go...

Off to Dollar Tree for Halloween decorations and doggie items.

As I pull up to Dollar Tree, I see this in the parking lot.  Wth?

Why was the first thing that came to my mind "doggie glamour shots?"  Awesome!!!  However, when I got home, my dreams were dashed when I found out that Hollywood Puppies is not doggie glamour shots but instead a breeder of "designer" small dogs.  Aaahhhh!!!!  This calls for another angry letter.  If you are as grossed out as I am at the thought of tiny puppies leading a life of forced breeding, click here to contact the owner of Hollywood Puppies and let her know what you think of her business.  :-/

*sigh*  Sorry, guys.

But, hey!  Dollar Tree will make it all better!  Come on...

So of course, I ALWAYS walk into Dollar Tree saying, "Okay, I'm only here to get _fill in the blank_" and then instantly turn into a five year-old in a toy/candy aisle - distracted by awesome items such as:

"Midgees." Lol!

Bra extenders.  Genius!

Not to ever EVER be confused with "Liquid Plumr."  Ever.

Sexy $1 lingerie!  Er...

Sharpie three-packs!!!  For only one dollar!!!  Ahhh!!!

Okay, quick game:  Which of the two above items did I really buy?  If you said the $1 lingerie and Midgees you'd be wrong (although I like where you were going with that).  It was Mr. Plumber and...Sharpies!!!  Ahhh!!!

So I'm checking out and the cashier, seeing my two kinda-lame ghost Halloween decorations asks, "Getting ready for Halloween, huh?"

"Yup."

Then she says, "I don't do any of that stuff.  It scares me."

"Halloween scares you?"

"Yeah.  I don't even eat the candy."  

I laugh and she responds, "No, really!  I don't like it."

"Yeah, well, I like Halloween.  It's like my favorite holiday," I tell her.

"Nu-uh.  I like Christmas."

"Yeah, Christmas is a close second...maybe a tie."

"Like those haunted houses and stuff...uh-uh," she continues.

"Yeah, I'm getting too old for haunted houses."

To which she responds, "Do you know someone got their pinkie toe cut off at Nightmare on Grayson?"

"What? No. You're kidding, right?"  I started laughing thinking she was kidding because she seemed a little off and like she wanted to laugh.  But she wasn't kidding.  She continues, "No, really!  The other night!  They caught it on camera!  The guy had a real chainsaw!  I tell you there are some evil people out there.  And the year before, someone died in there."

Okay, at this point I'm thinking she HAS to be kidding.  "No. That didn't happen either!" I tell her.  To which she adamantly insists that, yes, it did.

So now I'm there with my mouth literally open not knowing what to say or think and all I can say is..."Is there a news story about it?"

"Yeah!  Look it up!" And then she says, "That's why I'm like, 'Nu-uh, I ain't going in those haunted houses.  They want my toes!'"

We both laugh and she hands me my bags and although she's super nice, I can't help but leave with a sense that either 1) she's fucking with me or 2) she's crazy.

So after thinking about it when I got home (yes, this woman haunted my subconscious), I looked up the news story (like a pendeja), which of course didn't exist.  Then I started to put two and two together.  She had told the customer in line in front of me to "have a blessed day" and in our conversation she said that she "liked Christmas" and that there are "evil people out there."  This woman was trying to scare me out of liking Halloween because she thinks it's un-Christian!  And why did she do a pretty good job?  I gotta hand it to you, Dollar Tree God Warrior.  You pulled a fast one one me.  But not fast enough to stop me from this awesome door decoration made with only a Dollar Tree cardboard ghost and old caution tape I had bought from Home Depot!

The ghost is all, "Take that, Dollar Tree God Warrior!"

Off to HEB!

So on my drive from Dollar Tree to HEB, having to pass both Ross and Target on my way, I literally have to talk myself out of stopping in at either.  "Just keep driving.  You don't need anything from those stores.  You need to buy groceries.  That's it."

...And I made it directly to HEB (Yay me!) where I'm greeted by a half (or rather nearly entirely) eaten cookie remnant in my shopping cart.  Nice.

 

Is it bad that I was too lazy to throw it away and left it there the whole time I shopped?  Probably.  But whatever.  I'll leave that mess for the next chump...just like the owner of the cookie probably said.

So, shop, shop, shop.  Then I see a woman I went to elementary school with, Dora Littlefield.  Bizarre.  Anyone who knows me knows I have a really bad memory, but I remember Dora Littlefield.  I don't want to be mean, but she was still just as weird as she was in elementary school.  Big, heavy-set woman with a distinct speech impediment.  Ah, the joys of grocery shopping in the neighborhood you grew up in.  I tried not to make eye contact with her for fear that she'd recognize me as she stood right in front of the comino, which I tried to grab from around her.  Luckily she was on the phone yelling at somebody (presumably her boyfriend/husband) about how expensive an X-Box 360 would cost.  *yoink*

I have just about everything I need when I think to myself, "Since I'm here, I might as well just get some cat food."  Then I think, "No, damnit!  It's become a quest!" a la Clark Griswold.  The two-for-one Friskies had now become the Moby Dick to my Ishmael.  You will be mine, two-for-one Friskies!  Oh, yes.  You will be mine...

So I'm checking out and the cashier scans my bag of spring mix salad and a notice comes up on the register monitor with a red "x" saying that the item has been recalled and that a manager override was needed to continue.  After being paged, the manager comes over and apologizes saying that he "can't sell me the item" because it's been recalled.  And I'm like, "Good.  I don't want it if it's being recalled!"  But he didn't tell me why it was recalled and the other bag of salad was apparently fine.  I'm thinking it had to have been the spinach in the spring mix that was the problem.  Then I'm like, wait a minute.  I bought a fresh bunch of spinach over the weekend that I've been eating literally every day in my smoothies!  Wtf?  So I did some research and found the following information on the HEB spinach recall.  Check your refrigerator, people!

And away we go...

So my final stop is Family Dollar on S. St. Mary's for my, yes, cat food and deodorant.  Man, it's been a long ass day.  I get to Family Dollar, head straight to the pet section and can't find the Friskies.  "Excuse me, ma'am," I tell the employee stocking in the aisle.  "The manager from the Family Dollar at Las Palmas called to check and see if you had the Friskies advertised and you said you did.  Do you know where it is?"  To which she responded, "Uh...nobody's called our store."  I'm like, "But I was there when he called."  To which she responded, "No, I've been here all day and no one's called."  Then I think to myself, "Where the hell did he call?"  So she helps me look and, again, no Friskies.  Aaahhh!!!!  Why?  And why did my mind automatically to the pissed woman in the liquor store scenario (but instead in the cat food aisle)?  Why couldn't I just let it go and buy the damn cat food at HEB where it was cheaper than the one I ended up having to buy at Family Dollar?  Because I'm terca.  Period.  Oh, and they didn't have the $1 deodorant in the scent I wanted either!  Lesson learned.  The lesson?  I guess it's to read the fine print on Family Dollar ads like the one at the top right corner stating: "Selection may vary by store."  Womp-womp.  :-/

Good one, Family Dollar.

So, "What (finally) got into that cat (Kitty Witty)," you ask?  NOT Friskies! I ended up buying a bag of 9 Lives that she seemed to enjoy okay.  *sigh*

Oh, and about that last item on my to-do list...  I'm too exhausted from running around all day.  I'll get to it first thing tomorrow morning.  :)